7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
