7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames