Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

A dad and his duck

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.