Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I’m going to need a moment here.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.