Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug