[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
absolutely not
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Twitter fine art
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.