Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

🤣

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.