[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
fr
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
What if the weather talks about us?
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Bless you
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
