[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
britain’s three elite institutions
