Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism