Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out