[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands