Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Every
Single
Year

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.