Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

🥃

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

FINE, I WON’T.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.