[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.