Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

#oldknees

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.