Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.