8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
You Might Also Like
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
birds and squirrels envy us
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.