8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse