8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Breakfast in bed.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
There’s always that one guy
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
