8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Real 😅
