8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.