Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.