Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”