Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.