Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

So, can we agree on 4 or

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.