8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Natural selection at its finest
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
True story 🤣
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float