Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

do horses think humans are hats

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

jesus christ confetti not now

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

When I face a minor setback

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.