8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.