8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
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I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That鈥檚 a T-Rex, idiot
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my r茅sum茅 on file…
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven鈥檛 even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I don鈥檛 think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That鈥檚 pretty basic stuff.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.