Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.