8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Pass gas, not judgment.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.