[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Saw online –
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”