[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Holy moly
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.