[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
When you don’t understand how floors work
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine