Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Uh oh…

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”