8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Based Erika
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.