8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
*skinny dips into black hole
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.