8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus