8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
twitter is a journey
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?