8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
no such thing as a dumb question
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Labreador
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day