8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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Ah..makes sense now
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me