8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
