8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.