8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”