8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
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put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
zone out
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people