8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette