8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3