Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

A fake ID that makes you younger

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

#CoronaOutbreak

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.