Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

I came this close!!!!

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao