8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Practicing safe sax
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”