8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
wtf is a larm clock?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
The three genders
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.