Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Buck naked

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

This is my pinned tweet