Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.