@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

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@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@pilau

My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

@drinksmcgee

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.

@Love_bug1016

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@bananagrvyrd

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.