Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.