Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

thinking about a very short hotdog

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.