8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???