8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic