8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
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Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Truly one of the great bangers
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
We avoided this particular disaster
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Bread puns are on the rise!
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.