8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
That’s no pocket rocket.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one