8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.