Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.