Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip