Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?