Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

It’s a gift

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.