Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Why does laundry happen to good people?

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.