Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

be safe out there!

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

This is no longer an app but a mishapp