8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.