8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
your daddy is a what now?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?