8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Finally!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call