8: “Mommy I love you and my iPad so much.”
Same sentence. Same breath.
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.