Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.