Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

the dark web is just a goth google.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.